secrets

Good Day to you and thank you for stopping by! well....i have a dilemna. Not many people experience the same. Briefly, well...a few years ago i'd been chatting with a man online for almost two years. Eager to meet each other he took a flight over here. We hit it off. Felt like I knew him a lot. I felt he was more commited, I felt his love for me. So i think. When we slept together he asked if he could. u know. always knowing that i would get pregnant. Now. I'm not a believer in abortion because if i'm not mistaken there's a heartbeat as early as 2 months after conception.  Truthfully i believe the union of an egg and sperm is life and shouldn't be terminated...but hold on before we get into that.it's a whole different ball game. that's just what i believe. back to the secret.....I intended to make him happy then consume pill Plan B that avoid a pregnancy the 1st 48 hrs I think. I did cuz i thought well they haven't united i'm just trying to avoid it happening. He left to his state kept contact. A month or so passed. I felt extremely tired.sleepy.my eyes felt so heavy like all my body. THEN i knew the inevitable. So I went to a clinic for a pregnancy test. The lady handed me over the paper I remember was folded in half. I held it for a few minutes. I was just in denial. I opened the corner. and there was a check mark on positive. I balled. I sobbed. cried my heart out. I felt guilty that instead of this being a joyous moment i felt instead my life abruptly paused. Thats reality. I was twenty-two then. I was sitting there by myself. and that's exactly how i felt. by myself. the dilemna here was not the pregnancy. It's the fact that after four years my child's grown and has been the center of my life. Yet he doesn't even know. I changed my number after i went to a 2nd clinic and took two at home tests. Why. What i did was wrong I felt SO confused. See what had happened when he'd flown to see me. I'd had sexual contact with some1 else. no intercourse. OMG. So he found out. At that point in my life my actions and decisions were wreckless. irresponsible. I take full responsibility. He said we were through. and that's what I wanted because I just didn't want to be with him. I was being selfish. and I begged him to forgive my mistake. somehow. we all forgive. but never forget. trust isn't the same. Distance and shock made me take that drastic decision. Because obviously. he thought the child wasn't his. but how can i explain that there was no intercourse. This was my green light to let him believe what he wanted and go his own way. i didn't deserve his kindness and love. My life was in a different track. One in which a child was out of the question.but blindly. my self just blew into pieces.he asked me to have an abortion. obvious that he didn't think my baby was his. I didn't blame him. I just shut the door to that part of my life. and now that i see my child looks just like him. i kills me to think he knows nothing. I can contact him via email. but haven't. this is the raw fear of a coward. i fear what he will think. will he embrace the idea he has a child. they look so much alike. or will he shun us all together. what do u think i shold do. What if we get old my child grows up accomplishes all these things and he misses all the special moments in my childs life. what if he doesn't care. I spoke to him when my child was about 1yr old. He never asked about the child he told me to abort. maybe he thinks i did. but i couldn't. it is a part of me. a chuck of my life. my everything. when my child grows up, should i tell my child about him. when is the appropriate age. young or about when my is near 20's. i feel like i'm holding my breath that i need to let this out.but for now i won't.